The Betrayal Of Pain

The pain comes again.

Like a new wave. Washing over you. It feels as if you have no control over it anymore. You can see it coming, but it is as if your feet are stuck in the sand. You cannot run from it. All you can do is watch it come in an engulf you.

The pain feels overwhelming. As you look at it you feel as if you are doing everything right, you are trying everything you have been told. But it still comes. Over and over again.

Your pain has become persistent. Like a nagging partner that tugs at your no matter where you are going or what you are doing. You cant escape it. Some days are better than others, but most days you are hyper aware of its plaguing existence.

Each time it comes you feel something brewing inside. Perhaps bitterness, feelings of betrayal, anger, frustration, exhaustion. Feelings that arise and ebb and flow as the pain does. You dont want to feel angry but its hard not to at this point. It has been so long. You are worn down.

The cycle repeats. Over and over.

Your responses to it come and go habitually now. You arent trying to feel anger or bertrayal, it just comes now.

I have been there. For such a long time.

The thing is. The cycle can be broken.

When we feel pain for extended periods it is natural for us to feel something in response to the pain. Often we tense up as we see it coming, we feel the frustration or anger or betrayal that our pain is unceasing. When we can recognize those responses it allows us to begin to change them.

As your pain comes you try and recognize its coming and prepare. You relax instead of tensing, as your let your muscles relax the pain might be a little less than it was when you tensed up. You accept it is coming and change a few plans or make space for yourself to feel the pain and then progress. You start the work on finding out why you feel betrayed or angry.

There is work to be put in. It doesnt have to be alone. But it is work nonetheless.

And once you have put in that work, you will find the cycle changes. It doesnt always bring about the intensity. It doesnt feel so uncontrolled. It doesnt dominate your life and your being.  It comes and it goes, but it doesnt define you.

Pain can feel exhausting because it is. However, you dont have to go it alone. Reach out. Work with someone who has been there. Ask for resources.

I am here if you have any questions or dont know where to start.